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"here's a recipe for success:
Read your Bible every day . . . without fail. Every day. Value the Word more important than your food (see Psalm One).
Obey what you read.
Develop a tender conscience.
Never doubt any of God's promises.
Obey the Great Commission by sharing your faith (see John 14:21)."
(taken from http://www.wayofthemaster.com/faq.shtml)
lets break that down shall we?
"Value the Word more important than your food (see Psalm One)."
Okay cool. I was going to have breakfast but I guess I'll read the bible instead. Mmm, delicious. Here is something that I saw the other day while spying into my next door neighbours house, who happen to be Way of the Masterers..ers... no lies.
son: "dad.. jill pushed me over and i broke my hip... can i please please drink milk and other products that strengthen my bone structure?"
dad (with one fo those 'i'm going to fucking kill you all and my face is so bright red because all the veins are popping in my face looks): "YOU MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING OF THE SORT YOU FUCK! YOU KNOW THE DRILL, PASSAGES OF THE BIBLE FOR BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER.. JIMMY LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! JIMMY!"
*cut to jimmy dying from his organs eating themselves*
true story.
Obey what you read.
Okay cool. So everything i read, i'm to obey right?
"Luke 22:36
He said to them, "But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one."
But I really like my cloak.. But a sword you say? Sure thing... But what am I supposed to do with a sword?
"Matthew 10:34
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."
Alright Jesus... Dude... You're starting to scare me now... So what, we going to cleanse the jews or something?
John 15:6 (KJV)
"If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned."
Oh so we're burning the fuckers? Then why the fuck did you make me sell my cloak for a sword? You are such a douchebag Jesus.
"Develop a tender conscience"
All I got from that one involved bashing my head with one of those meat tenderisers. Yup.
"Never doubt any of God's promises"
Okay here's a story for you. One day god and I were sitting at a bar, shooting the shit, when god (that's right, i spell his name without a capitol letter) turned to me and said "woodrow... you're a good man yeah?" and i was like "yeah dude.. well.. you should know anyway, you're god" and he was like "oh yeah... heh.. anyway, could you spot me a couple of hundred, i was at crown last night and it's kinda put me in a tight spot... i could've sworn it was a winning bet... but you know how it goes.. i promise i'll pay you back" and i was like "yeah man it's all good i understand... you made heaven and earth and all that shit..." so i handed him $200 and we kept on drinking... i was like "so how good are the boobs in heaven" and he was all like "pretty damn good man" and i was like "sweet"... anyway... long story short the cunt still hasn't paid me back... but it's all good, i piss on his newspaper when it gets delivered in the morning anyway... sucker..
"Obey the Great Commission by sharing your faith (see John 14:21)."
Again... My understanding of "sharing your faith" was giving it to as many girls in the ass as you can... And then for some reason i thought of golden showers... Radical.
anyway guys... work is going well... i'm paying off fines and all that... take care.
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